Mixing your metaphors..... etc

[dickiesam]

While browsing for an apt metaphor to use in an email I was writing I came across this amusing assortment on http://www.jimcarlton.com/my_favorite_m ... aphors.htm

Here’s what I think are a rather amusing collection of mixed metaphors along with a few malaprops for good measure.
I hope they provide a few laughs for you.

We could stand here and talk until the cows turn blue.

You could have knocked me over with a fender.

He was watching me like I was a hawk.

I’ll get it by hook or ladder.

He’s a wolf in cheap clothing.

They’re diabolically opposed.

He received a decease and desist order.

I wouldn’t eat that with a ten-foot pole.

Take a flying hike.

I shot the wind out of his saddle.

He’s not the one with his ass in a noose.

A loose tongue spoils the broth.

It’s all moth-eared.

I can read him like the back of my book.

From now on, I’m watching everything you do with a fine-tuned comb.

It’s as easy as falling off a piece of cake.

He’s like a duck out of water.

These hemorrhoids are a real pain in the neck.

It’s time to grab the bull by the tail and look him in the eye.

I wouldn’t be caught dead there with a ten-foot pole.

I hope he gets his curve ball straightened out.

It’s time to step up to the plate and lay your cards on the table.

He’s burning the midnight oil from both ends.

You can’t change the spots on an old dog.

It sticks out like a sore throat.

It’s like looking for a needle in a hayride.

People are dying like hotcakes.

He’s a little green behind the ears.

You can’t go in there cold turkey with egg on your face.

We have to get all our ducks on the same page.

The fan is gonna hit the roof.

I have a lot of black sheep in my closet.

I'm sweating like a bullet.

And my all-time favorite:
She’s suffering from a detached rectum.

[MaryA]